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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29797647">coming up for air</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/fidusachates/pseuds/fidusachates'>fidusachates</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Persona 4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Attempted Suicide, Body Dysphoria, Comfort, Confusion, Drowning, No proofreading, Phone Calls &amp; Telephones, This is kinda dark, cold water baths, izanagi can tell when jiraiya / yosuke is in danger, jiraiya wont shut up, no editing, yosuke is also kinda out of it for the whole thing, yosuke tries to drown himself</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 17:09:16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>969</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29797647</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/fidusachates/pseuds/fidusachates</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The burning erupted in his chest shortly after, spreading quickly like a wildfire — it was a familiar feeling, something Yosuke treasured: finally having control over a part of his life, even if it was trying to borderline kill himself.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hanamura Yosuke/Narukami Yu, Hanamura Yosuke/Seta Souji</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>43</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>coming up for air</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hello! tw for drowning, borderline attempted suicide and self-doubt .</p><p>also, you should listen to basic instinct - the acid while listening to this. its a gorgeous song and i wrote this listening to it.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>He let out a heavy breath, clutching the edges of his sink. The porcelain was cold beneath his touch, comforting yet chilling.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yosuke stared at himself in the mirror, auburn eyes glinting with hatred and jealousy at the other self he saw in the glass. He </span>
  <em>
    <span>almost</span>
  </em>
  <span> expected to see his shadow self - the thought sending an empty chuckle tumbling from his lips - and only stared into those ugly brown eyes of his, hoping and praying they </span>
  <em>
    <span>would actually</span>
  </em>
  <span> turn into the glowing golden ones he hated the most.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then Yosuke ran a bath, locking the bathroom door and throwing his clothes to the floor in a fit of frustration, flinching briefly when he heard the clattering of his phone. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It’s fine, it’s fine</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he heard Jiraiya whisper in his ears. A sign that his shadow self wouldn’t appear; disappointing, really, but not surprising — he never got anything he wanted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>While the water ran, Yosuke stared at himself in the mirror, again. He raked his eyes over his body, a sickly and metallic taste forming on his tongue. Everything looked </span>
  <em>
    <span>wrong</span>
  </em>
  <span>: he looked too skinny, too bony, his collarbones too prominent, his hips and v-line too sharp. Yosuke felt sick looking at himself, yet couldn’t look away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sighed, finally dragging his gaze away from himself and checking the bath. The water was freezing, goosebumps forming all over his body just at the dip of a finger.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Holy fucking shit</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Yosuke gasped, clenching his teeth as he lowered himself into the tub. The cold shot up his body, fast and shocking and almost painful. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m so cold,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Jiraiya chirruped in his ear. “Shut it, frog.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The water was </span>
  <em>
    <span>cold.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Colder than he’d expected, shockingly numbing and uncomfortable. Every movement sent shivers down his spine and more goosebumps tickled his back and shoulders, freezing him in place briefly. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It wasn’t nice, but he didn’t hate it.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think this is the coldest we’ve ever gone, Jiraiya,” Yosuke whispered, his heart drumming in his chest. He shifted until he was in the right position, then crossed his arms over his chest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And, like every time he did this, Yosuke uttered a gentle, “I hope I die this time,” before harshly plunging himself into the ice cold, ignoring the itching urge to shiver and to </span>
  <em>
    <span>climb out of this goddamn deathtrap because I’ll freeze before I fucking drown</span>
  </em>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But he waited, holding his breath and counting the seconds that passed. Yosuke welcomed the burning feeling in his chest when it came, digging his nails into his shoulders and begging for his persona to stop whistling and chirping in his ear. The burning erupted in his chest shortly after, spreading quickly like a wildfire — it was a familiar feeling, something Yosuke treasured: finally having control over a part of his life, even if it was trying to borderline kill himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then the thrashing came; his shoulders at first, bucking up to try and pull him to the water’s surface. His feet kicked, heels dragging against the white tub and toes curled tightly, then his hips also bucked, a familiar creeping down his back. But he held his head down, despite all of his body protesting.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then it felt like he’d been kicked in the stomach, because when he came up for air, heaving and gulping as he rose from beneath the water. He spluttered, coughing and wheezing slightly as he regained the breath he so badly needed. “God fucking dammit, you frog bastard! I was so close to fucking—“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The euphoria, the control - it was all gone. Just like that. It hit Yosuke almost as hard as the imaginary punch to the stomach had been. He sat there, silent, listening to the dripping of the water and his heavy breathing. It was quiet, and there was a numb buzzing all throughout his body and static in his ears. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The brunet climbed out the bath, draining the icy water and scrubbing himself dry. He didn’t look in the mirror this time, instead pulling his boxers back on and throwing his clothes in the hamper. His mind buzzed with a thousand thoughts overlapping and screaming and whispering and it was all too much—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yu?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Yosuke. Are you doing okay? Aren’t you supposed to be at work?” Yosuke blinked, his phone up to his ear. Did he call Yu-?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aha, yeah… about that, um, I’m off because I’m not doing too great, I don’t feel good.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mm, I’m sorry to hear.” Yu sounded quiet, soft. It gave way for some peace in his mind. “I called because Izanagi was going insane, and he usually does that if you’re hurt. So, um, are you hurt?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yosuke let Yu’s words sink in and closed his eyes, rubbing his bedsheet between his fingers. He barely caught the other calling him name, “Huh? Oh, uh, n-no, I’m not hurt.” A heavy sigh escaped the brunet; he was exhausted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yosuke, are you sure you’re okay? Do you need me to come over?” Yu sounded like he had stood up, and Yosuke panicked</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No! No, I’m fine, I’m just… tired,” Yu’s concern lapped at his mind and his heart, another thing to add to his buzzing brain and persona squeaks. “God, why doesn’t this frog ever shut up?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hah, there’s probably a reason,” Yu’s voice was comforting, and then Yosuke could hear Nanako in the back, “Look, partner, I have to go. I’ll call you later?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yosuke blinked. “Oh, yeah. Sure, I’ll talk to you later. See ya, partner!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And the call-ended tone echoed in his ears. Yosuke put his headphones on, sinking back into his bed, his mind forever a mess. He was just glad he didn’t have to listen to Jiraiya’s nonsensical noises.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yu didn’t call back that night and Yosuke drowned himself in music, this time.</span>
</p>
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